Animal Jokes

Unlike the animal photos, these jokes are not original. They were obtained from many different sources, and I believe them all to be in the public domain except one which is noted.

What is gray and has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

How does a mouse feel after a bath?
Squeaky clean.

What is a rabbit's favorite kind of music?
Hip-hop.

What is a llama's favorite drink?
Llama-nade.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks!

What do you say to a hitchhiking frog?
Hop in.

What do you get from an angry shark?
As far away as possible.

How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?
Just open the door and stick him in.
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
First you have to take the elephant out, then you can put the giraffe in.
If all of the animals had a meeting, which one would be missing?
The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.

What is a crocodile's favorite drink?
Gator-ade.

Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside.

What did the buffalo say to his little boy when he left for work?
Bi-son.

Where does a dog park his car?
In a barking lot or a grrrage.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
Dead.

What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smellyphant.

Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak.

Where do sheep get their hair cut?
At the baa baa shop.

What jumps up and down on the front of a car to help the driver see at night?
Froglights.

What do you call a monkey with an elephant on his head?
Squashed.

Why can't you find a good animal doctor?
Animals have a hard time getting into medical school.

Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop?
She wanted to lay it on the line.

Where do salmon keep their money?
In a river bank.

Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
To a retail shop.

What movie star wears white gloves, speaks in a high voice, and has large antlers?
Mickey Moose.

How do you save a drowning rodent?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation.

Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.

Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide.

What's the best thing about deadly snakes?
They've got poisonality.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie.

What is a frogís favorite cold drink?
Croaka-Cola.

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
Terrier-fied.

If your dog jumped into a swimming pool, what is the first thing he would do?
Get wet.

Why did the gorilla jump off the building?
He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of.

Why did the rabbit go to the doctor?
Because he felt jumpy.

What do you give to a snake with a headache?
An asp-erin.

What did the duck say when it laid a square egg?
Ouch.

What kind of elephants live in Antartica?
Cold ones.

What does a rattlesnake put in his lemonade to make it cold?
Mice cubes.

What did the orangutan call his first wife?
His prime-mate.

What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna.

Which dog can tell time?
A watchdog.

What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A grape is purple.

What did the frog do when he found a magic lamp?
Rub it. Rub it.

Where do rabbits go when they are sick?
To the hopital.

How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark.

What do you name an elephant hiding in a pile of leaves?
Russell.

What snakes are found on cars?
Windshield vipers.

How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert?
You ice cream is lumpy.

What did the dog do when a man-eating tiger followed him?
Nothing. It was a man-eating tiger, not a dog-eating one.

Who was the gorillaís favorite American President?
Ape-raham Lincoln.

When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?
Take the words right out of his mouth.

What do you do with a green elephant?
Wait until it ripens.

What does a dog become after it is six years old?
Seven years old.

What dog can jump higher than a tree?
Any dog can jump higher than a tree. Trees don't jump.

What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser.

What eats dog food, lives in a doghouse and is very dangerous?
A dog with a machine gun.

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.

What is black and white and red all over?
A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.

What should you do if you find a jaguar asleep on your bed?
Sleep on the sofa.

What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A bird who knocks before delivering its message.

Eleven dogs shared one umbrella, yet none got wet. How did they manage?
It wasn't raining.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.

What should you do if you see a mean dog?
Hope he doesn't see you.

Where do you find a horse with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger?
I'd rather have him chase the tiger.

What's gray and squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice.

What do you call a leopard with a carrot in each ear?
Anything you want, since he can't hear you anyway.

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants.

Why did the chimpanzee wear red suspenders?
The blue ones broke.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors?
So he could hide in the jelly bean bowl.

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling.

Whatís the difference between a dog and a peanut butter sandwich?
The dog doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

What is a dog's favorite tree?
The dogwood.

What happens when ducks fly upside down?
They quack up.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits until autumn.

What do you get if you run over a sparrow with a lawnmower?
Shredded Tweet.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

Where was the dog when the lights went out?
In the dark.

What time is it when an elephant sits on the sofa?
Time to get a new sofa.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
To cock-a-doodle-doo something.

What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?
The wrong answer.

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks, and 6 feet?
An elephant with spare parts.

What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant's shadow.

What is a marsupial's favorite drink?
Coka-Koala.

What's long and green and goes "hith"?
A snake with a lisp.

Where do rabbits buy their clothes?
At the hopping mall.

What kind of math do birds like?
Owlgebra.

What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind?
A maybee.

Where do cows go for lunch?
The calfeteria.

What do you call two spiders who just got married?
Newlywebs.

What kind of bears like to go out in the rain?
Drizzly bears.

Why does the giraffe have such a long neck?
Because his head is so far from his body.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
An alarm cluck.

What is a jaguarís favorite day of the week?
Chewsday.

Why did the lion throw up after he'd eaten a priest?
Because it's hard to keep a good man down.

Why are dogs such poor dancers?
They have two left feet.

What's big and gray, sings, and wears a mask?
The Elephantom of the Opera.

What do caterpillars study in school?
Mothmatics.

Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
Because he was too short to reach her knee.

Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you're a chicken.

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.

What's striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick.

Why did the watch dog run in circles?
He needed winding.

What do cows like to do on Friday nights?
Go to the moovies.

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoons?
They go on peck-nics.

Why are elephants gray?
So you can tell them apart from flamingos.

Why do waiters like gorillas better than flies?
No customer has ever complained about a gorilla in his soup.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn't evolved yet.

What's gray and stands in the rains but doesn't get wet?
An elephant with an umbrella.

Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.

Which fish can perform operations?
A sturgeon.

How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your back yard.

Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?
He wanted to see the floor show.

Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp wanted ads.

How do you catch a runaway dog?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone.

When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly carrying suitcases.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in Morse Code.

What looks like half a cat?
The other half.

What kind of dog do a vampires like?
Bloodhounds.

Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet.

What's the difference between a cougar and a lion?
A cougar has the mane part missing.

What's the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

How do you know if you have a stupid dog?
It chases parked cars.

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
When the door is open.

How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?
Delighted.

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
Cross mouse cards.

What do you get if you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

What do you call young dogs who have come in from the snow?
Slush puppies.

How does a lion greet other animals?
"Pleased to eat you."

What did the dog say when he finally caught his tail?
"This is the end."

What's gray and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups.

What happened to the leopard that took a bath three times a day?
After a week he was spotless.

What do you get if you cross Lassie with a rose?
A collie-flower.

What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
You wouldn't want to try to peel an elephant.

What did the lioness say to the cub chasing a hunter?
"Stop playing with your food."

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
Big ones.

How do you make a dog float?
Take a glass of soda, then add two scoops of ice cream and a small dog.

What do you call a show full of lions?
The mane event.

Why is it better to play a guitar instead of a fish?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.

What part of a fish weighs the most?
Its scales.

How is a cowardly dog like a leaky faucet?
They both run.

What do tigers sing at Christmas?
"Jungle Bells".

Which animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah.

How do you fit five elephants into a car?
Put two in the front seat, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
The tiger lily.

What do you call a lion who has your mother's sister for dinner?
An aunt-eater.

Where do birds invest their money?
In the stork market.

How does a leopard change its spots?
It just gets up and walks over to a new spot.

What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come.

What's gray and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine.

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
Frostbite.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To catch the chicken.

What subject are snakes good at school?
Hiss-tory.

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.

Why do skunks argue a lot?
Because they like to raise a stink.

What do you get when your dog is sprayed by a skunk?
Rid of the dog.

What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser.

How did tuna fish get their name?
Because they donít swim in pairs. Are there two of those fish? Nah. Two? Nah!
[from the song "Sponges" by The Arrogant Worms]

Why did the crab get arrested?
Because he was always pinching things.

What do whales eat?
Fish and ships.

Why do firemen bring a Dalmatian with them when they go to a fire?
To help them find the fire hydrant.

Why do eagles spend most of their time on their knees?
Because they are birds of prey.

Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
Because he kept running out of the pen.

What do you say when you meet a toad?
Wart's new.

Whatís green and red goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.

When is the best time to buy a bird?
When they're going "Cheep."

Why is a pillow like a roasted turkey?
Because they're both full of stuffing.

How can a bird with a broken wing land safely?
He uses a parrotchute.

Why did the dog take a nap on the chandelier?
He was a light sleeper.

What is green and pecks on trees?
Woody Woodpickle.

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other is one week.

What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers.

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure.

What do you get if you cross a leopard with a doberman?
A terrified mailman.

Where do hornets and bees go when they are sick?
The waspital.

Why did the pony cough?
Because he was a little horse.

What is a duck's favorite part of the evening news?
The feather forecast.

What do you call an cow that lives in Alaska?
An eskimoo.

Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.

What kind of ducks are popular on New Yearís Eve?
Firequackers.

What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.

How long are a dog's legs?
Long enough to reach the ground.

What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo-cluck.

How do fish get to school?
They ride the octobus.

How does an elephant get out of a small car?
The same way that he got in.

What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.

Where do you take sick ponies?
To the horsepital.

Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin.

If you had fifteen cows and five goats, what would you have?
Plenty of milk.

Why do dairy farmers never have to cut the grass?
Because they have plenty of lawn-mooers.

Where did the pioneers keep their pigs?
In hog cabins.

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.

Why do elephants have wrinkly ankles?
Because their shoes are too tight.

What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar.

What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
Leave it inside the cow.

What did the dog take when he was run down?
The license number of the car that hit him.

What's blue and has big ears?
An elephant at the North Pole.

What goes "peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang"?
A bunch of chickens in a room filled with balloons.

How do you take a pig to hospital?
In a hambulance.

Why did the owl howl?
Because the woodpecker would peck her.

What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.

What has four legs and flies?
A pig.

What do you give a sick bird?
Medical tweetment.

What is a polygon?
A dead parrot.

Why did the dog take a bag of oats to bed at night?
To feed his nightmares.

What kind of shoes do frogs like?
Open toad sandals.

What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.

Whatís gray with red spots?
An elephant with the measles.

What kind of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.

How do you know that owls are smarter than chickens?
Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Owl?

What is the cat's favorite TV show?
The evening mews.

What do snakes have written on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't do your homework on an elephant.

What bird steals from the rich to give to the poor?
Robin Hood.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because itís too far to walk.

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
A duck-filled fatty puss.

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.

What flies through the jungle singing opera?
The Parrots of Penzance.

Why did the salamander feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.

If a pig is injured, what should you put on the wound?
Oinkment.

What did the Dalmatian say after a big meal?
That hit the spots.

What did the cow buy a new MP3 player?
Because she loves listening to moosic.

What's big and gray and lives in a lake in Scotland?
The Loch Ness Elephant.

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back.

What does a cat call a bowl of mice?
A purrfect meal.

What game do cows play at parties?
Moosical chairs.

What do you give a pony with a cold?
Cough stirrup.

Why was the cat so small?
Because it only ate condensed milk.

Why did the farmer take his cow dancing?
He was in the mood for a milkshake.

What do you get if you cross a snake and a Lego set?
A boa constructor.

What snakes are good at math?
Adders.

Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake?
Someone else's.

How are cats like coins?
They have a head on one end and a tail on the other.

What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see?
Three blind mice.

What's a snake's favorite song?
"Snake, Rattle, & Roll".

What's a toad's favorite ballet?
Swamp Lake.

What do cats read in the morning?
Mewspapers.

What do you call a scared dinosaur?
A nervous rex.

Who granted the fish's wish?
The Fairy Cod Mother.

What does a twenty-pound mouse say to a cat?
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty."

Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician?
When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.

What did the snail say when she road on the turtle's back?
"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

What is a frogís favorite warm drink?
Hot croako.

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
"Let us prey."

What's the difference between a friendly dog and a bad student?
One rarely bites and the other barely writes.

What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny.

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3,000 miles.

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row.

Why donít dogs chase people on bicycles?
Dogs canít ride bicycles.

How are bald eagles and leopards alike?
Neither can play basketball.

How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
Take away his credit cards.

Why is a chipmunk braver than a hen?
Because te chipmunk isn't chicken.

What did the cat do after he swallowed some cheese?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath.

How do you raise a baby elephant?
With a fork lift.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping out of tall trees.

Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
The elevator was broken.

How do you make a green gorilla?
Cross a blue gorilla with a yellow one.

If you put 20 tigers, 10 gorillas, and 1 elephant in your kitchen, what do you have?
A very large kitchen.

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
"Whale Of Fortune".

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

What's a frogís favorite candy?
Lollihops.

What did the dog tell his owner when he saw the dogcatcher coming?
Nothing. Dogs don't talk.

What do you name an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.

Why do dogs run in circles?
Because itís hard to run in squares.

What gray, has a wand and huge wings, and gives money to young elephants?
The tusk fairy.

What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak.

What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.

Why did the cat sleep under the car?
Because she wanted to wake up oily.

How many hairs are in a dog's tail?
None. They are all on the outside.

What's gray and lights up?
An electric elephant.

Why didn't the boy advertise in the paper when his dog was lost?
His dog never reads the paper.

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse Toad.

What's gray, carries a bunch of flowers, and cheers you up when you are sick?
A get wellephant.

What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
Use a pencil instead.

What's big and gray with horns?
An elephant marching band.

Why is a dog like a baseball player?
He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

What's the difference between an injured elephant and a thunderstorm?
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.

What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.

What is an octopus's favorite song?
"I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand".

What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant?
Sir.

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?
A mouse sandwich.

Why do dogs lie down?
They can't lie up.

What's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants?
On television.

Why does a dog scratch himself?
He is the only one that knows where it itches.

Why was the frog sad?
He was unhoppy.

What's gray and beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.

Why is a dog so warm in summer?
He wears a coat and pants.

Why wasn't the dog hurt when he fell off a 100-foot ladder?
He fell from the bottom rung.

Why does a stork stand on one leg?
Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

What cereal goes "Snap! Crackle! Squeak!"?
Mice Krispies.

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
A trunkquilizer.

What do you do if you find a venomous snake in your toilet?
Wait until he's finished.

When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When youíre a mouse.

What's big and gray and protects you from the rain?
An umbrellaphant.

Why do you need a license for a dog but not for a cat?
Cats can't drive.

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?
An elephant holding its breath.

How do fleas travel from place to place?
By itch hiking.

What's yellow on the outside and gray on the inside?
An elephant in a banana costume.

Why do birds fly south in Winter?
Because its too far to walk.